Tour 2008
Tour to Dorset/Devon 19th to 26th July 2008
You will know, if you have been a regular reader of the clubs hand book and newsletter over the last few of year’s, that the club makes its annual summer pilgrimage to Devon and Dorset to play the noble game. You will also know we report each year on the antics that we get up to during the week away with our teammates and familles.
I’m sure you have all heard of Elvis but did you know he is alive!! Yes seen on tour not in Las Vegas but Lyme Regis in fact he even stayed at the luxurious Pinewood holiday village at the same time as us. Knowing he was a bit of a cricket fan and when he wasn’t twanging his guitar we asked him to join in, and believe it or not he even volunteered to write a tour report for us.
Debra Deaves
Tour Dogsbody
The Tour Archives
Elvis on Tour in Devon - For one week only
Friday 20th to Saturday 28th July 2007
Friday 20th
Woke up Friday morning around 9am, no work so we decided to start tour early, had a nice leisurely breakfast and set off from Graceland's (Welbeck Street Worksop, in a certain light and after a couple of pints on a warm summers afternoon the resemblance is uncanny). The rain had already started but this did not dampen the spirits and me and Mrs P made good time listening to some of my old hits on the way down. As we got onto the M5 the weather got much worse and the rain turned into torrents of water. Nether mind, I thought, we'll soon be through the bad stuff. Alas, another 150 miles later and wishing I'd packed the canoe we left the M5. On reaching the Devon border the sun came out and Mrs P developed an obsession with the temperature gauge, it's 17 degrees c she announced, not that warm, it had better get warmer soon.
Stopped of for a nice pub meal and a pint in Devon, or was it Dorset, I always get confused whether we're touring Devon or Dorset or both. As the temperature started to rise, now 19 degrees c, it must have been like burning love and Mrs P was happy.
About 2.30pm we approached Uplyme and there seemed to be a marquee on the cricket ground, investigations revealed that the locals had arranged a beer festival to coincide with tour, excellent. A bit of tree coverage over the road and the temperature dropped down to 16 degrees c Mrs P was not happy.
Arrived in Lyme and the weather was glorious bright sun shine and 20 degrees c Mrs P now very happy again and my life much easier, that's the wonder of you.
Went to book in at the B&B, lovely place Olde Lyme Guest house (we had suspicious minds about it to start with however we would recommend it to anyone wanting to stay in Lyme). Spent the afternoon sunning it and just chilling around Lyme.
In the evening went out to Rumours, a great place and definitely not in the ghetto, recommend the skate in a black butter sauce, very nice tucker, visited a pub or two.
Saturday 21st
Woke up about 6.30am and switched on the TV, reports of floods everywhere and 10,000 people stranded on the M5. Glad I'd come down on the Friday and wondering how many brave sailors would be on the Cobb for breakfast at 9am?
Next news article was on the Open, couldn't believe my eyes.
Question What have Tiger Woods and Elvis got in common?
Answer both have shanked their tee shot 100 yards into the Barry Burn at Carnoustie on the first! Bet that had RC crying in the chapel.
On closer inspection (the action replay) Tiger had a less shaky hand when putting his ball into the tee and a bit more of a smile on his face when his ball splashed down. Soon got the text message from Grommet, steady on Tiger, he's the devil in disguise that chap. Had breakfast, booked out of the B&B and headed down to the Cobb to join up with our fellow tourists.
The first ones we saw were the Hampsons, if anyone was going to battle through the tidal waves then it was sure to be Captain Haddock. According to Maisie they had taken quite an alternative route via Italy!! Stoneia Hengia, Stonehenge to you and me, somewhere on the outskirts of Rome to Maisie. As time went by various tourists arrived all with tales of woe, narrow escapes and detours Noah would have been proud of. The Pres of course wouldn't listen to his satnav (and Mrs Pres) and took the short cut down the country lane somewhere near Lands End, others went to Norfolk (otherwise known as Hampshire, do they not teach geography in schools anymore?) and RC went to Cheltenham via London (it's a good job you can't deliver concrete more than about 30 miles or he'd have had to return it to sender).
As the numbers started to rise several tourists were still reported missing. Most noticeably Gaz who had set off early and reported back to everyone about the M5 closure (our hero). Unfortunately it was too late for him and 10 hours after setting off he arrived.
The kind chaps at Lyme council had decided to repair the cliff over looking the bay and also provide a new crazy golf challenge. The boys went off to play golf and the ladies went off to do what ladies to best, shop! How many handbags does Mrs P need!
The golf was interesting and Matt got an offer from Mrs Pres he couldn't refuse. All I'll say is it involved an ice lolly, thank god it wasn't a Cadbury's flake.
Bomber and co were still on the M5.
As the afternoon passed by we headed off to Pinewood to book into our log cabins. Bags wear duly unloaded and the first shopping trip to Tesco's was performed which involved copious amounts of alcohol and the odd nibble for the ladies. No wonder Tesco's are taking over the world. Had a quite night in, Gaz went to bed early, Captain Haddock scored a goal at football, the old boys won thanks to his efforts, he was definitely our good luck charm. Several of us had a gin and tonic, this would become a regular feature of the tour wouldn't it Phil?
Sunday 22nd
Woke up Sunday thinking the house was being dragged across the gravel, either that or we were experiencing an earthquake. After several frightening seconds it became apparent that Gaz was snoring. I've never heard snoring that load, not even from Chair. I felt sorry for Steph but then I guess you can't help falling in love with Gaz and she is his latest flame.
Grommet had arrived late the previous evening, which had put little Sarah in a very good mood as he had done what every dad should do and delivered her hair straightness. The weather outside was slightly disappointing so with the help of Gaz and RC we set up one of the finest indoor golf challenges ever. Forget Carnoustie this was the indoor Willow Tree Lodge Challenge. This was some of the craziest golf ever. Particular highlight was the shoe forest which was difficult even for us lower handicap indoor golf pros. If you didn't make it through the shoe forest with one shot the sweaty odour of a well used size 10 Nike trainer lay in wait for you. Other obstacles included tables, chairs, fruit and bridges made from cd cases. The royal and ancient this was not.
At some point during the morning we also discovered that Grommet fellow had brought his video camera again, we made him surrender it immediately.
The afternoon saw a trip to the Donkey Sanctuary for a serious golf challenge.
Mrs P and I were partnered by Gaz and Steph. Steph alas is to golf what Bomber is to the noble art of bowling a steady line and length. Padraig Harrington she is not. Famous quotes included after the first shot off the first tee "Do I have to hit it again?" Others included Gaz being her "coddy", someone had "sabotaged her bat", "How many flags do we have to play" and my favourite "the Donkey put me off". Unfortunately yours truly had what can only be described as an off day, I played a little bit like Grommet and Chair rolled into one a bad day. After killing several donkeys, losing only 10 balls and nearly killing Helen twice it was a good time to retire to the lodge.
Back at the lodge we settled down to watch one of the best finishes ever to an Open Championship (is this a cricket tour?) whilst drinking copious amounts of Pimms. One of the most surprising things then happened; Bomber, Captain Haddock and Wrong Date went to the beer festival, No! Gaz made us sandwiches different varieties as well (Chair, honestly its true).
The evening was sponsored by Gordon's. RC danced on his knees and there was an appearance of the slug, a move that can only be performed by those much skilled in the art of break dancing, it's wonder his wooden heart didn't give up. Phil became Phil the Gin and Danny (Gaz) and Sandy (Steph) performed their own version of a Grease medley, which climaxed with summer nights (despite my analogies this was singing!! Well almost). Little Sarah also had one or two many shandies, but was looked after by Steph.
Monday 23rd
Several of us were in the dog house, this included me for shouting at Tracee and Don, Don for not coming home till the very early hours and then proceeding to regurgitate the contents of the evening into the big white telephone, Robin for sleeping on the floor, it was odds on at least one us would be lonesome tonight.
Today we decided to go golfing for a change. Several of us had hangovers to cope with, I felt particularly queasy. We got stuck in traffic (bloody French driver) and only managed to play 14 holes, which was enough time to lose another 10 balls. On the way back we decided to chat about how we could get back in the ladies good books. Chair offered his vast experience and knowledge of the subject and suggested chocolate or nicking flowers from a grave. Thanks a bunch for that one Chair.
When we got back the ladies had had an afternoon of hairdo's and make-up and looked lovely as only ladies can look. Some chocolates but no flowers later and several complimentary words later we seemed to be back in the good books.
The evening was spent round at Chairs Lodge. We had lots of nice nibbles courtesy of that premier local delicatessen Deli and Dine (which really should start to serve chips!). Robin was on the wagon and Phil the Gin had the shakes, we'd hidden his Gordon's bottle. Chair told one or two of his three jokes, it was now or never. The one about the Kwicksave haddock and some plaice in Kilmarnock. Matt had to help him out with his second joke, something to do with the Chinese, we retired well fed and chuckling ourselves to sleep with images of Chairs routine stuck on you.
Tuesday 24th
Some of the previous three days activities may have taken place during Tuesday as I have no diary notes for Tuesday. Alternatively it may just have been quite a boring day? Maybe there was some cricket played who knows?
Wednesday 25th
By this time the weather had improved and today it was going to be a beach day.
The lodge smelt like something had died in it. Was it a mis-placed Kwicksave haddock or maybe Stevie S's thong escaped from it's burial mound behind the lodge, no it was RC's golfing towel!
Went down to the beach, it was a glorious summers day and several of us went topless. Most attention on the beach focused on some ice-dancing chap with a few muscles. Kieran Bracken was his name being a big hunk of love was his game. Most of the Clumber young ladies attention seemed to be focused on him and working out ways in which they could get rid of his wife and kid and have their wicked way with him. Gaz and myself had our own way of impressing the ladies by demolishing two very large dinosaur burgers, with consisted of burger, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, onions and topped off with a fried egg and brontosaurus, Kieran's six pack paled into insignificance against our toned bodies. Only a fool such as I could have thought this one would pull the ladies.
Mrs P fancied his mate.
The above may have taken place on Tuesday I'm not sure. At some point on either Wednesday or Thursday there was a fishing party or trip or whatever it is that the these hardy fellows do led by none other than Captain Haddock himself. Several specimens of the fish-like variety were caught and later devoured.
There was also a game of cricket at Tipton I think, the Gin had kindly offered to take my place; he's easily persuaded by a double Gordon's. Cricket was played; the ground was again slightly smaller than the previous year, it being constantly eroded by the river otter. The tea was the usual calorific feast that has become what Tipton is renowned for; this fixture seems to attract the slightly larger framed members of the tour.
Stopped off at Budleigh Salterton. What an interesting place, the moment you step foot in the town the average age of the population goes down to 99. This place has more millionaire spinsters than anywhere else in the UK, it also has the greatest percentage sales of tenna lady and incontinence pants per populous than anywhere else in the UK.
I guess it’s a little bit like the human version of the elephants grave yard. We decided to have lunch, which by the time we were served was probably tea, but then what did we expect this is Budleigh after all and the view of the undertakers was inspiring.
Laura jumped in the pool, shouldn't do that in see thru clothing.
On the way back home myself and RC had arranged a special fly pass for the girls from the Red Arrows and whilst heading back towards Sidmouth they duly obliged and left a white love heart in the sky directly above us. Surely that would put us in the good books for the rest of the tour. (This may have been Thursday).
Had a quite one night in!
Thursday 26th
Woke up early in the morning and did the usual 6 mile jog and 400 lengths of the pool before breakfast.
Thursday was ladies shopping day, for many of us it's the highlight of the entire tour, I particularly appreciate the variety of shoe shops you find in such a small town and clothes shops made especially for the Hyacinth Bucket variety of lady. You also get a better class of charity shop in Sidmouth.
After my early morning exploits myself and Mrs P arrived late but just in time for coffee and cakes. Several of the ladies had already made purchases. Gaz who was on his first shopping trip looked quite nervous.
After refreshments the ladies were given free range to shop. In my experience this is a big mistake. I prefer the option of tagging or tethering. You have to take a firm hand with them otherwise they just get lost and it all ends in tears, especially when you have so many hard headed women in one place. Chair was most calm this year, think he must have been hung over as well. Geoffrey was his usual helpful self by stopping the traffic at every occasion to let the ladies get over the road safely, don't try this at home.
Shopping on the whole went well many purchases were made and credit cards maxed, the only downside really was that poor Mrs Pres couldn't find a Primache anywhere.
The afternoon was again devoted to golf, the rain almost put pay to this but anyone mad enough to turn up at Bridport GC was allowed to play. Conditions were extreme and the golf was excellent apart from Geoffrey who found it hard going and was a broken man by the 9th.
Arrived back at the lodge for pizzas and presentations. RC performed a fine ceremony with Bomber having perhaps the worst fine on tour ever thanks to Laura. The fine can not be repeated in such a high class publication as this (what goes on tour stays on tour). The evening ended (about 10 hours later for some of us) with a bit of a shindig and general knees up. Grommet sang as only Grommet can and we all drank what dribbles of gin had been left by Phil.
As the night went by the floor boards were severely tested for the load baring capacity as the jailhouse rocked. At one point during the Stone Roses Elephant Stone they looked sure to give way but the situation was rescued by the calming influence of our tour anthem Sit Down. By 5am I was ready to take my teddy bear to bed, the place was all shook up and it was too much for me.
Friday 27th
Can't remember much about Friday well not before about 2pm anyway. I know we had fish and chips and several tourists left before the rush hour traffic to head home. Gaz of course hit the rush hour and was again stranded on the M5.
A few civilised souls remained and a quite night was had by all. I took in a bit of culture and watched a programme on Windsor Castle and Britain's greatest buildings whilst in the distance I could here love me tender being sung by a Casanova tourist (sorry guys I've done well to get the other 26 tacks in so far, you'll have to allow me some artistic licence on this one).
Saturday 28th
We had a good journey home on Saturday and arrived to find the house clean, tidy and smelling fresh. My initial reaction was what's that hound dog been up to but Mrs P told me don't be cruel or you'll be heading to heartbreak hotel. Ah well a little less
conversation and a little more action me thinks.
You will know, if you have been a regular reader of the clubs hand book and newsletter over the last few of year’s, that the club makes its annual summer pilgrimage to Devon and Dorset to play the noble game. You will also know we report each year on the antics that we get up to during the week away with our teammates and familles. This report is written by a bit of an old timer when it comes to the number of tours he has under his belt. Its our very own club captain Matt Deavious sorry Deaves who as kindly written this report for your interest and pleasure. Matt’s World Tour of Dorset I have been asked to remember back to that glorious week last July when around 50 Clumber tourists descended into the Lyme Regis area. What a glorious week it was too, not just for the fine sport that was played, and the fine food and drink that was consumed, but the weather. It was hot and sunny every day. I have been on a few Clumber tours in my time and I can say that the weather during that long hot week was the best I have ever known.
Saturday
The Tour did start off with a large disappointment, no not the hearty breakfast on the seafront, or the lovely beach that a few of our younger members frolicked on, (a blood injury did occur within five minutes of arriving on the beach a small boy cut his foot and we managed to embed a Frisbee in the head of a pensioner) but the world class crazy golf course, it had disappeared!!! In fact all the pleasure gardens along the sea front had been turned into a large building site. This was due to some sort of landslip last winter, there were rumours the slip had been started when a cricket ball had fallen back to earth from the Clyst Hyden area, but who believes rumours anyway. (It must have been orbitting earth for the last five years was that when Mr Mingham was last on tour?) Back to the crazy golf crisis, there were mutterings of “going home” and “writing to my MP”. I too was a little disappointed as I had brought my clubs on tour, and I was looking forward to trying out my new driver on the tricky par3, 16th. Well at least I have an excuse to bring them next year, when we were told by a local they all should be back “up and running” by then. If it had not been some quick thinking by our Lady members the tour could have fallen apart there and then. A couple of them mentioned that the arcades and the pubs were open, that worked a treat, and five minutes later all were happy again. We all arrived, later that day, at our base for the week, Pinewood homes, which as ever looked a treat. After everyone had settled in to their respective houses, we all met up in the “top house” for drinks. Note: I am sorry dear reader, from this moment till the end of the tour, I seem to have a problem with my memory, it may be something to do with the hot weather and my determined effort to keep my fluid intake as high as possible. I shall try to remember the best I can, so here we go!
Sunday
We played a 20-20 game against the Talbot Arms, in Uplyme, Sunday morning. The game was played in great spirit, which we managed to win. On a personal note, I had their best batsman stumped, by what could only be described as a “wonder” ball, everyone wondered how I could have bowled it, and Chris (my son) and I knocked off the last few runs to win the match. We all then went over the road to the Talbot Arms and had a wonderful Sunday lunch (I remember returning back to the lodge having had a couple of pints thinking nap time but the dear lady and small boys had different ideas the swimming pool, not on a full stomach!!)
Monday
Played golf on a beautiful course over looking the sea near Budleigh Salterton. It was a sweltering day and all the grass had turned a straw colour, even the greens weren’t green!! I won’t embarrass anyone by disclosing the result, but all the golfers agreed it was a wonderful way to spend a Monday morning. Went over to Plymtree for yet another wonderful lunch, watched the troops play for an hour, then back to base for a relaxing swim. I do remember that we nearly had to report two of our tourists missing, when Bomber and John failed to return from the game. When they eventually returned, Bomber explained that the opposition had forced them to eat and drink with them at the pub. It was only down to John’s quick thinking and tunnelling skills that they managed to escape. Think the lads may have slept in the dog house that night!!! (To bloody right I was, sorry dear we weren’t up side down in a ditch simply time slipped by and before we knew it!)
Tuesday
We should have been playing Uplyme, but they could not get a team to play us. We may have played the youngsters, but cannot be sure. If we did I am sure that they beat us again. Spent the evening being wined and dined by the occupants of the “top house” those boys sure can cook!!! (Gave a satellites watching course that evening that is laying flat on your back on the grass p**ed looking at white starry blobs going across the sky it would come in handy later in the week)
Wednesday
Ladies Day Out!!!
Off we went, to Sidmouth, shopping, a group of Clumber WAGS, escorted by trusty lieutenant Trev, newcomer, Chairman, and myself. The day was going well, we had full control over the roaming ladies, when we entered only the 6th shoe shop of the morning. It was at that moment that Chairman not only let himself down, but the whole male species. His crime, you may ask, was to let out a sigh and start chuntering quite loudly, something along the lines of “How many more shoe shops can there be”. Well that was it, the control that we had disappeared in an instance, and the rest of the morning was spent apologising for that hot headed fool. (Thanks Matt for looking after the dear ladies, child bonding time great stuff, oh yes the bank account was a bit lighter I told you to just let them window shop) Managed to get the WAGs all back in one piece and spent another fine afternoon playing golf, this time at Lyme. Think I played ok, but cannot remember. Spent the evening and well into the small hours of the morning being entertained by wild dancing, ask Robin and Helen, and spotting satellites, laid out flat on our backs, another memorable night!
Thursday
Played at Clyst Hydon today, or should I say watched one of there batsman breaking Clysts record for an individual batsman. Now don’t get me wrong, breaking records is great, but against a touring side, who are just after a good game, against a side, who knows how to play friendly midweek cricket, well I ask you? In my immortal words “They are just taking the p**s”. Steve Shelley dismissed their Shri Lankan pro with the help of a brilliant catch by Rob (the break dancer), and young Pierce got most of the batsmen, yes even the record breaker, in trouble, with his leg breaks. (Glad I wasn’t there doesn’t do your bowling averages any good them sorts of games, reminds me of the year the Tony Mingham bombed the south west in a fit of spin bowling) During tea, which was a little tense, Rob, our skipper for the day, hatched a cunning plan. Instead of chasing their score, which I think was over 350; we would block out for a “draw” and bore them to death. All was going well until their opening bowler, bowled his first ball, which was the slowest half volley ever bowled and Rob hit it for 6. Well I could not believe my eyes and not wanting to be left out hit the first 8 balls I faced for 22. When I was out we were 45 from only 4 overs. All our batters carried on in this vain, or as Rob insisted on calling it “Plan B” Two of the younger lads reached 50 and promptly retired, much to the amazement of our hosts. We in the end we lost by 70 odd runs, but I hope you agree we were the moral victors. Note: Bomber has just told me that Clyst have insisted we return this season, my God, who have they lined up, to play against us, this year!!
Friday
Had the, now traditional, end of tour BBQ and Fines party. Captain Haddock Hampson and his scurvy crew had been out sea fishing and brought back half the British Mackerel quota for 2006 and a group of us had been sent out to hunt burgers and sausages in the local Tesco. (Fined again for farting and drinking and teaching people how to satellite watch, no bloody justice) After the awards were given out, don’t think I won one, and the fines had been paid, yes I did get fined, lots! We all tucked into a fine feast, and started to plan for next years tour, as we had just been told, we could all come back to Pinewood homes next year, and do it all again.
Matt Deaves
Just to conclude I would like to say thanks to Debra Deaves for all her help in organising the tour and a big thank you to all the tourists, who went to Dorset in 2006, it was a great tour and for once we had fantastic weather. At the fines ceremony we rinsed over £100 for charity a superb effort.
Match Reports 2006
Clumber v The Talbot Arms
Finally tour had begun but it was no rest for the wicked as we had our first game booked in for Sunday morning and I had been asked to captain! We were up against a side we had never played before in a twenty-twenty style match. I advised my side to have an early night, but that was completely disregarded bar me of course, which later resulted in a hefty fine for me! The Sunday morning was damp but warm and as I walked out to the toss I didn't know what to do but thankfully I lost it! Batting first we amassed a huge 109 off 20 overs, which was marred by me cruelly being run out, my team mate will remain anonymous though. Everyone had a bowl and thankfully I wasn't the first captain to lose on tour!! After a great game of cricket it was off to the pub for an awesome Sunday carvery which was probably better than the cricket!
Ollie Williams
Clumber v Plymtree
Another bright and sunny day for cricket, after a relaxing morning by the pool we travelled up to the picturesque cricket ground at Plymtree to be greeted by our friendly host and a 9 gallon barrel of cider!! This must have been a pre planned ploy by the home side to get us p***ed before the game and some of us did try some including myself but I did resist a full pre match session in the name of cricket we do have standards. On to the game, wining the toss Plymtree batted first with Morgan and Newcombe getting the home side off to a good start, I opened the bowling with a few wides and no wickets, bloody cider! The breakthrough came with son of Deavious, Chris who claimed his first tour wicket that of Newcombe for 2. Rachel Bellamy’s flight and gile removed Morgan for a solid 42. The middle order of the home side however continued to score with some ease with some useful knocks from Wakley 17 and Jarrold 31 as Clumber rotated the bowling. Both fell to Bellamy’s that of Phil and Rachel (confused I am, bloody cider!!! they are not related by the way) but this brought Petitt and Combes to the crease who pushed the score onto 186. Combes 30 fell to Heavy Horse Hampson leaving Petitt 43 no and Piper 1 no and the home side on a respectable 188-5 After tea and a bit more cider Clumber went out in a positive mood with the dynamic duo, Rachel Bellamy and John Maher and after 7 overs we had 6 runs and John 3 back in the pavilion, bloody cider!! Things picked up a bit as the other Bellamy, Phil moved the score on 42 before Bellamy, Rachel was bowled for 18 by Wakley, this then saw another Bellamy, Adam (to many Bellamy’s bloody cider) adding a quick fire 15 before being bowled by Piper. Useful innings from Ollie Wiiliams 33 and ‘my little pony’ Matt Horsfield 22 pushed the score on to the ton before Clumber crashed to 119 all out. Plymtree’s bowlers shared the wickets with Parker, Petitt and Combes taking 2 a piece and Piper and Wakley 1 each. We retreated to the pavilion well beaten reflecting on what could have been if we had kept of the cider then drank some more. A great game played in a true touring sprit cider!!
Mick Bomber Barton
Clumber v Uplyme
This was a 20/20 match played in the evening, at bit of a change to our usual fixture. Being in the evening it saw a good turn out of the Clumber supporters including the ladies corner ‘the Pimms brigade’ and the ‘senior old gits’ pints in hand wondering around the boundary casting the critical eye over the game. Uplyme batted first losing a couple of quick wickets that of Barlow 8 and Brimicombe 6 to the opening attack of Dave Beard and Rachel Bellamy. Clumber intent was to ensure everyone got a bowl even Matt Deaves (oh my god!). and young 11 year old Dan Walker who made his senior debut. Things didn’t go quite to plan as Clumber struggled to take wickets and Dare and Batey 43 no piled on the runs. Dare did go on 38 daring to take a quick run and found him out of his ground to a good throw down from Deaves. Hillyard contributed a decent 24 at the end with the Uplyme finishing on 137-3. Clumber took the field and got off to a brisk start with the first team duo of Matt Deaves 32 and Robin Wilde 25. After both became victims of D Richards Andy Walker found himself with the plastic duck walking back the pavilion on 0 (the first duck of tour) to the disgust of the old gits and his son Dan. He was soon followed by Ollie Williams 1 (I don’t think it helped his confidence when the old gits shouted throughout his innings duck, duck, duck) Any way Clumber restored the run chase with two brilliant retiring knocks from Dave Beard 53 and Adam Bellamy 50. Further contributions from Trev Pressley 10 and Steve Harrison 17 got Clumber in sight of victory but both became victims to Mangala who got 3-20. Shelley also carried the duck back to the pavilion but the Hampson combination of Piers 43 and Dad Mick 11 no batted with cool heads secured the victory with 10 balls to spare. All retired to the Talbot Arms for supper.
Steve Shelley
Clumber v Tipton St John
Yet another hot and sunny day! We travelled up to Tipton in anticipation, was the ground going to be there had it been washed away during the winter (for your information this beautiful ground sits on the banks of the Axe which floods in winter) was there going to be that fantastic gargantuan tea? We weren’t disappointed. Clumber won the toss and batted, the start of this game was a bit like a ground hog day it saw Johnny Maher again poking around on the cricket wicket and again scoring 3 had he ben on the cider? No he had just been done by the old timer Higgins. The score did however gain momentum with Piers Hampson 20 and Adam Bellamy 26 but after Pee had departed young Deavious had to carry that plastic duck after being in for 5 overs and only facing 4 balls bad luck youth! Higgins strikes again!!!! Heavy Horse Hampson scored a wellcultured 19 before having a cantor down the wicket and getting stumped. Then it arrived the young Beard ‘Davo’ he did not show any respect to the home side “there go and get that one out of the river” fourteen 4’s and a 6 helped on his way to a great 76, with the tail of Bomber 11 no and Phil Bellamy 10 no adding 23 the total finished on 219-8. Tea was a revelation enough to feed the whole tour party, anyway we waddled out the pitch licking the Devon cream from our lips and with Chris Deaves and Bomber opening the attack we were in a buoyant mood. What we didn’t expect however was the home side openers who batted like Geoffrey Boycott on the first day of a test match, slow scoring or what! Even the rest of the team was shouting GET OUT Brian eventually Deaves took a wicket quickly followed by Bomber who also got one but Brian remained. He was eventually run out on 23 to the relief of his team mates. The middle order of Jessop 24, Pickering 40 and Pace 26 got Tipton back on course but after they fell Tipton’s tail were easily rolled over and they finished on 155 all out. Now I didn’t mention the bowlers, Adam Bellamy bowled very well taking 3-7 and Mark Horsfield a non cricketer took 2-33 however he was wearing Bomber’s spare cricket trousers something must have worn off oh er!! Retired to the pub after a very enjoyable afternoon, left Bomber and John Maher talking to the locals they arrived home sometime later and were in serious trouble with those who should be obeyed.
Mick Heavy Horse Hampson
Clumber v Clyst Hydon
Clyst played host to a one off production of “ the lambs to the slaughter” with Clumber giving a Bafta wining performance as Dolly. With the home side winning the toss the carnage began, thanks to the athletic match by yours truly the Sri Lankan departed early but this just seemed to make the local angry. Boggs set individual record for a Clyst batsman. Dave Beard bowled well but the rest of the attack paid for bowling on a flat wicket against a rampant batting line up. After tea the team talk went along the line of “keep them out there and make them field all the overs” Deaves and Wilde lost their heads and threw the bat at everything. PC Hampson and retrieving the new ball from a bush pleaded ignorance and put the ball in his pocket for it to be lost at Weston at some later date. All the Clumber players got a bat with several retiring on reaching their half centuries. After a one sided contest Clumber withdrew to the moral high ground and drank themselves daft.
Robin Carrington Wilde
Postcard from a virgin tourist!
Saturday 24th July 2005
Weather: Perfect until sunrise then light drizzle.
Packing up the car in the middle of the night and trying not to wake the neighbours reminds me of the time that I was fleeing an unscrupulous landlord and it resulted a few hours later in a greeting from men with baseball bats. Broke out in cold sweat when arriving in Lyme Regis to find similarly shady looking individuals this time carrying cricket bats – don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight!!
Some of my fellow tourists appear to have grown interesting facial hair for the trip, can’t imagine that their husbands are best pleased. Still they seem a friendly enough bunch and I’m sure today’s weather is only a temporary blip – got the Ambre Solaire ready for tomorrow.
Some guy came bursting into my room in the early hours, I was ready for him crouched in the Lotus position in the corner of the room – there’s no way there going to outwit me again.
It’s Cliff Adwick!!!! I thought we had got rid of him! After playing cricket back in Nottinghamshire for some club called Cuckney, then driving down to Dorset and getting lost several times. Visiting five other holiday sites, knocking on several doors and windows on our site, mine included. Asking if he could sleep with me, just as I was settling down to a bit of a cuddle with the wife, I don’t think she would have liked three in a bed!!! and being told to politely “p*** off you idiot” he found his way to the virgins cabin. Thank God!! What was I doing?
Sunday 25th July 2005
Weather: Light drizzle followed by heavy showers.
Enjoyed my first tour ritual the ‘sharing of the pig’ (no before anyone thinks it its not me! Ed) thankfully not in the Rebecca Loos sense but more an offering of half hundred weight of bacon and black pudding the size of the Sky Sports blimp. The Mexican guy that delivered the goods (Matt Deaves pushing his sausage again Ed) was only asking a fraction more than Fortnum and Masons prices – I’m sure I heard him yell hondelay as he rode an imaginary horse from the cabin firing a water pistol wildly into the air! (The imaginary horse, a hairy thing, was real! it was Steve Shelley Ed)
Managed our first swim before being told that we were actually in the flooded sand pit – we’ll make it to the proper pool tomorrow, I can feel it in my bones (that’s a Wet Wet Wet song isn’t it? appropriate considering the bloody weather! Ed) the sun may not have his hat on but he’s certainly just about to pull his hoody up.
I’m told that the guy who tried it on last night is a public school teacher (see told you told you it was Adwick) I keep breaking out in cold sweats – another sleepless night ahead.
Monday 26th July 2005
Weather: Heavy storms then light drizzle.
Result, we’ve got the cabin with the playstation – ideal for whiling away the wet and windy hours (We don’t want to know about your bottom problems here! Ed) could spend the week practising to become a Grand Master - could lead to a whole new career – how difficult can it be? Now how do you switch the bloody thing on – never mind these things only deaden the mind, I could turn into a drooling idiot! (Just like Adwick!!!! Ed) decided to read a book instead.
I understand that some of the party have gone off to play cricket – I’m sure I saw one of them packing a snorkel. (No it was not a snorkel, Simon don’t you know anything about cricket equipment? It’s Captain Kipper Hampson’s patient bat rubber bat handle putter on’er, a pump device that sucks all the air out of your rubber, and it has may uses for the older gentleman! Ed) Hope they don’t think they’re going to use our tumble dryer to get their whites bounce fresh – I’m not running a guesthouse here.
I’m sure I saw a slither of blue sky earlier – happy days (Didn’t a pot smoking cricketer us that phrase, Tuffer’s? Ed) I predict a scorcher tomorrow – pass me my shades.
Third night without sleep – visions of small orange men carrying baseball bats, dancing and singing, taunting me – damn you Roald Dahl. (I do believe it may have been a vision of Adwick in his orange fake sun tan stuff! Ed).
Tuesday 27th July 2005
Weather: Light drizzle then strong winds
Spent most of the morning re-loading the tumble drier, its best to leave the kit slightly damp and then stick it hangers, it makes ironing so much easier. (Have you had these fashion tips passed on from Trinne Senior? Ed)
I didn’t read anywhere about the hurricane season in Dorset but there are rivers springing up which were shown on the map as roads when we arrived here. I heard one of the locals say that the local radio station had named today’s storm Katrina – bit of a dig at us tourists ‘Walking on Sunshine’ I suppose – still I’m sure that’ll be the last we hear of Katrina. by tomorrow I have every confidence that we’ll be talking about Katrina and the heatwaves by tomorrow.
Wednesday 28th July 2005
Weather: Light drizzle followed by heavy drizzle
The first time since Prospect Boys ‘Dads against Lads’ in 1978 that two generations of Telfer have entered the sporting arena in the same event – a truly proud and momentos day – if only we hadn’t been blighted by injury, aging muscles and poorly fitting Oxfam ‘whites’, it could have been so different. (Or was it the David Benson memorial kit donated to the club just before he left for Spain Ed)
The officious looking gentleman walking the boundary stopped and showed fleeting interest, reaching for his notepad and pencil seconds before the younger Telfer sent down a quick three bounce unplayable delivery (Yes you guested correctly it was unplayable because it didn’t even get to the batsman Ed) the notepad was packed away, pencil pushed firmly behind the ear and Mr Graveney scurried off to the pub before the rabble arrived
Just cannot get comfortable. Not only have I inherited the Telfer gene that restricts sporting prowess, I also picked up the weak lower back gene – double whammy! Maybe I should try sleeping on the floor – but that would like it easier for them to get me – there’s no way that I’m going to fall into their trap – lotus position it is then, coul;d be another long night.
Thursday 29th July 2005
Weather: Torrential rain followed by light drizzle
Feel a little sorry for the teenagers on tour, whilst the older generations are perfectly happy watching daytime TV and exchanging knitting patterns (there he goes again fashion, fashion, fashion he might not of inherited any sporting genes from Telfer the elder but he did get some that give him fashion guru tendencies) youngsters need an outlet a release for that pent up energy. At least I think that’s what I saw a couple of them doing inadvertently opened the tumble drier cupboard to begin today’s chores. How embarrassed they both looked – it’s easy to mistake a boy wrapped in a towel for a girl – eh lads?
The ‘teens’ spend the day roaming the plains like a herd of heavily gelled wilderbeast desperately trying to find a watering hole (preferably with Sky TV, DVD player and playstation console.
Can’t remember the last time that I slept, the one night that I feel ready to put the demons to rest we’re inadvertently hosting an ‘all nighter’. (What a good night pretty well bladdered and so was Trinne junior Ed)
I understand that there is a fining ceremony to be held tomorrow – I really hope that they don’t frown upon the mixing of coloured and non-coloured on the quick wash cycle – could cost me a fortune.
Friday 30th July 2005
Weather: Light drizzle followed by sharp showers
Well we finally made it through to Friday at least it can’t be said that the weather wasn’t consistent.
The fining ceremony seemed to go along way to clearing third world debit and the BBQ that followed involved enough food to solve most of the problems with world famine to boot. Mackerel freshly caught by some green faced members of the party was particularly memorable but the remainder of the evening was blank. (Yes the Telfers did suffer heavy on the fines, due to, and try to imagine this, you know then washing does when it all gets mixed up and the colours run you get a dull blue-pink finish to any light clothing well all the Telfers turned in powder blue-pink outfits!! very attractive a real fashion statement)
Having consulted a number of medical experts it transpires that I suffered a mild stroke due to an allergic reaction to a chemical found in watermelon. I should make a full recovery but my unicycling on tightrope days are well truly over.
Looking on the bright side I slept like a baby (I don’t mean that I wet the bed – that was a split glass of water) the first time for a week, and to think this all stemmed from a bad memory about men with baseball bats – fortunately I have fonder memories of men, women and children with cricket bats!
Saturday 31st July 2005
Weather: Glorious sunshine followed by more sunshine
On our way home!!
Simon (Sporty) Telfer
Many thanks to Simon for writing his ‘On Tour Postcard’.
Just to conclude I would like to say thanks to Debra Deaves for all her help in organising the tour and a big thank you to all the tourists who went to Dorset in 2005, it was a great tour despite the poor weather. At the fine ceremony we rinsed over £150 for charity.
Tour Match Reports 2005
All that way and we only managed three game and one of those was the Clumber Old Farts v Clumber Young Gitts, anyway here are the reports.
Plymtree CC v Clumber Park CC Monday 25th July
The drinking ceased for a short while for cricket to break out as Clumber took the field against our generous hosts for the day Plymtree. Having lost the toss Clumber fielded, Mick Hampson bowled a tight spell lacked penetration but fortunately at the other end Miss Bellamy yielded 5-27. For the hosts Young 12, Stamp19 and Bannister 18 all made starts but as wickets fell steadily only Combes 32 made a significant score. Nine bowlers were used but the captain failed to bowl as O Williams wrapped up the last three wickets in his two over spell with Plymtree finishing on 134 all out.
In reply a second wicket partnership of 49 between skipper Wilde 45 and Pressley 46 put Clumber on the road to victory. The Chairman managed only 1 and Masie Hampson the second lady to play in a senior game scored 2 in a final partnership with Hampstead 12 that saw Clumber home.
Drinking resumed at the Blacksmith Arms and the cream scones polished off. A good day was had by all and Clumber Tourists made a wining start to tour.
Rob Wilde.
Clumber Old Farts v Clumber Young Gitts Tuesday 27th July (am)
Having got off to a bit of a late start the Farts lost the toss and were put into bat by the young upstarts. The captain Matt (Gringo) Deaves gathered his team in the changing room, looking around at his fine body of Old Farts who were waiting with baited breath to see who was going to open, Gringo made his choice. Of course he called on two of his most experienced bowlers to open the batting what a cunning plan! The openers tooled up and took the field. After the Young Gitts had stopped laughing the game settled down into the usual verbal abuse and that was just at the umpire, some trigger finger happy ginger guy a Welshman calling himself Chairman.
The Farts made a great start with some on the board, Bomber 11 was given out LBW halfway down the track to a ball that pitched three times, and he was soon followed by Hampson 19 run out in very, very strange circumstances. I think it was due to his bat handle going floppy after a blow out with the bat handle rubber putter on’er. When the fight stopped, calm returned to the field and with the umpire holding a bloody nose, captain Deaves 33 and Rachel (mines a coke) Bellamy 30 batted fantastically well and retired. This put the Farts firmly back in charge (I’m not sure if you can have a firm fart!).
Anyway it was not to last as Steve (top chief) Shelley batting with a large wooden spoon scooped a catch to Dave (Watch your pockets) Fagan off the bowling of son of Bellamy Adam! Disaster!! was this the break through the Gitts needed? Then came the saviours, ‘saviours of the farts’, the fashion wise Telfers who contributed 20 between them before being sent back the changing room to put their evening gowns on. Not much followed as the Farts tail failed to wag and we finished on 137 off our 20 overs. I suppose there was some good bowling but I’m not going to praise the Young Gitts too much because it will only make their heads swell and its only a very narrow door into the pavilion. The wickets were evenly spread between all of the little Gitts.
On to the second half. Our captain rounded us up in a team huddle; he was confidant that we were going to get revenge for the previous years embarrassment using any weapon he could to his disposal. So in true form Gringo Deaves with another cunning plan, opened the bowling. He unfortunately along with Bomber got a bit of slap, his main weapons had failed so Gringo pulling out his six shooter protested with some vigour to the umpire about the condition of the ball. It had been in the river a few times and buried into the hillsides, but the red head in the white coat was not interested, “get on with the game” he yelled as the sheep he kept in his Wellington boots for later struggled to get free. Another weapon in the Gringo’s armoury pleading with the ump had failed!
An early wicket did fall that of Morris Minor (that’s Mr Morris’s son) ran out for 11, I think it was some excellent fielding work by ‘Old Fart’ Harrison. Using the glare off this head to blind Morris who was motoring for his run Harrison threw a direct to the hit stumps. However it was to no avail as Dave (Watch your pockets) Fagan 30 and Dan (Dare) Plumley 30 (both retiring) battering the ball to all parts of the Uplyme valley, good job the valley sides are steep at least sometimes the ball rolled back down to the ground!
After the retirement of Fagan and Plumley the Farts made a bit of a come back sending the middle order rabbits back to the hutch with a lot of abuse and only 14 runs. In this spell of play we witnessed a true bowling talent as ‘Sporty Telfer’ claimed 2 wickets with his leg spin under arms great stuff, where did he learn this? Was it in the Level 3 coaching manual no I forgot he had pulled his back after the first ball!
In the end youth gained the upper hand over the Farts and with a flurry of runs from Gareth (Wiggy) Beard 22 and Andy (Watch your wallets) Fagan 16 as they wrapped up the game with 4 overs to spare.
Once a again Gringo’s Old Farts were well beaten by the Young Gitts but we are all friends at the end of the day so off we went to the Talbot Arms to drink them under the table and to shoot the umpire! Another Welsh sheep shagger put out of his misery.
Bomber
Uplyme & Lyme Regis CC v Clumber Park CC Tuesday 27th July (pm)
After a very nice lunch at the Talbot Arms we returned to the ground. All credit to our hosts and their groundsman who despite the appalling weather we had had over the weekend managed to provide a grass wicket for the match, and although very damp it played well but a bit slow!
Batting first Uplyme looked comfortable with openers J Whitlor 23 and G Wake 17 keeping the score board ticking over however on 32 both found themselves back in the pavilion. With the damp conditions it was difficult to score runs and although most of the middle order batsmen got a start none managed a big score. Clumber bowled with the wet ball well particularly young Chris Deaves who took 3-30 and Steve Shelley 2-33 but R Hutchins 55 no and Finigan 25 no in a stand of 68 took the home side to 213-8.
After tea and some light rain Clumber came out to bat in fading light and struggled with the conditions. Once again batsmen found it difficult to get the ball of the square however Dan Plumley 18 and John Maher 25 made useful contributions against some good bowling from S Batey who claimed 4-13. With Clumber reduced to 43-3 Dave Beard scored an impressive 62 but losing partners at regular intervals Clumber ran out of batmen with the last four wickets only adding 4 runs, Clumber finished on 145 all out. The other wickets were shared between T Fannigan 1-35, J Plaston 2-36 and
R Hutchins 2-36.
We all retired to the bar to warm up and talked about the weather over a few beers.
Steve Shelley.
Tipton St John CC v Clumber Park CC Wednesday 28th July
Match rain off! Missed a bloody good tea.
Clyst Hydon CC v Clumber Park CC Thursday 29th July
Match rain off! Missed a bloody good thrashing.
Diary of a First Team Captain - Age 40 3/4
Saturday
Why has my alarm just gone off at 4.45 on a Saturday morning, then I remember that today is TOUR day. It would have been hard for me to forget, as Rob had been counting down the days and weeks since the start of the season and today was day zero.
As we had packed the car the night before (Deb's idea) it was not long before we were speeding down the M1. That was when Chris had his first text of the day from the Shelleys saying that the M42 was blocked. Some quick map reading from Deb plus some excellent driving from me, soon saw us going NORTH!!!!! then west, then south (I think) and before you could say “ten mile tailback” we were just north of Bristol in a ten mile tailback!!!!!
By this time Chris was telling us that the Shelleys were 4 junctions in front of us while Chairman was 4 behind (what time did he get up).
How we got to Lyme Regis by 8.30 we will never know, but I again must refer you to my driving skills plus Debs map reading abilities (I wonder if there is a section for married couples in next years British Rally?)
We had arranged to meet for breakfast in a small café next to Lyme’s famous Cobb and as we approached it, we could see various members of our party eating breakfast or playing on the adjacent beach, (I won’t name names to avoid embarrassment). After a hearty fry up I found myself with Trev and Hampo up to our knees in the sea (what a sight we must have been) discussing boats and tides and fishing, three things we knew little about, but at least we did get our calves wet, unlike some female wimps on the beach.
One thing that I have failed to mention was that the SUN was out and that, yes, the day was warming up nicely, so much so that by mid morning Deb had even removed her fleece!!!
We spent the rest of the day having a look around Lyme, which included a nice pub and a very pleasant hour on a grassy bank overlooking the sea with the Shelleys, Hampsons, Trev and Tracee plus one or two more of our happy group. I would like to state publicly that I did not start the grass fight that happened on that bank of newly mowed grass, but we had to end the “set to” when one of our smaller group members disappeared under a rather large mound.
By 3 we were all ready to leave Lyme and find our lodgings for the week. I could see that Deb was nervous as we drove the short distance to the site, as it had been down to her to find, then book, the accommodation. She need not be worried as our accommodation turned out to be first class. It was a small site with various sized log cabins, all well equipped. Plus the site also had an indoor and outdoor pool and a large grassed area for the younger members of our party to play on.
After settling in with our house mates, Trev, Tracee, Jonny, Chay, Steve Shelley and Rob we men decided to take a dip in one of the pools. Both pools were very clean and the indoor one was warm, while the outdoor one was, let me put it this way, “challenging”. Mind you I was straight in (ignore what other people my tell you) while other members of our party (Bomber) did take some encouragement.
When we had amassed at least 20 tourists in the pool we staged the first ever game of Pool Ball. The game of Pool ball consisted of two goals, one at each end of the pool, one light weight ball, two teams and not too many rules. The game usually stared with the ball being gently thrown back and forth and ended up as full-scale war. There were more injuries sustained in the pool during these titanic struggles than the rest of the season put together. One of the most spectacular injuries during a game was when the Chairman of the Club (no names to protect the wimpish) let out a loud scream and then informed the whole of Dorset, in rather flowery language, that he had cramp!!!! Luckily nurse Hampson was on hand to guide him through his “near death” experience.
The day was finished off with a lovely meal made by Steve, Trev and Rob and one or two drinks in the company of most of the tourists.
Sunday
Over another hearty fry up breakfast there was a discussion on the subject of strange noises that came out of the boys (Rob and Steve’s) room. During the night there had been distinct banging and groaning sounds emitting from their room. We quickly came to the conclusion that they must have smuggled a small bat and ball into their room and were practising for the tour. The groaning noises must have been Steve as Rob dropped another catch off his bowling. I too was accused of making some very strange sounds during the night, but I quickly convinced them all that it had been in fact Deb.
In the afternoon we spent a few happy hours at Uplyme Cricket Club, our hosts on Tuesday. It was their Presidents day and we all had a go on the Tombola (I won a book and video) and all made some new friends. It was at this point that the final arrangements were made for the most important match of the tour, junior’s versus seniors, but more on that most controversial game later.
We then went back to our holiday home, to be informed that a new game had been invented, it was called fly tw*tting!!! Due to the warm weather we had one or two little visitors (not the Barton boys). The task of exterminating these pests (not the Barton boys) had fallen to the male members of the house. Every time one of the little pests met its end it was carefully placed on the mantelpiece. There were various methods of killing the flies; Trevs for instance was all gung ho, while mine was described as very “Dale Winton” what ever that meant.
Monday
Woke up again to the smells and sounds of our happy bunch. Breakfast was again a mini feast, must watch my waistline!!!
By the time we had all eaten and cleaned, not only the house but ourselves, we noticed that various members of the tour party were loading their cars with very large bags full of CRICKET gear. We then realised that we were not in Devon to drink the county dry or to kill its population of flies, but to play cricket. But never fear dear reader, as I did not play in this match I will not bore you with the details, but I think we beat Plymtree!!
My day was much more exciting as I drove a few miles inland to one of Devon’s lesser known attractions TESCO’s!!!! Deb and I stocked up on the essentials, some of which did not come in a bottle!!
After spending a pleasant afternoon in the pool and then emptying the contents of the recently bought bottles it was off to bed, for tomorrow, little did I know, I was to play in a cricket match that would go down in history, as one of the most controversial games ever played.
Tuesday
Early start today, so it was another healthy breakfast, then down to the ground by 9.30 for a 10 o’clock start.
The sun was out as the toss went in our favour and the seniors decided to bat first.
We had decided to play a 20-20 type match and as our openers strode out to the middle there was quite a sense of confidence in the ranks of the seniors, or as one of our team put it “if we loose to this bunch our lives will be hell”.
After a quiet start our innings started to take shape, if not a little slowly, and it was down to me to inject some urgency into the innings. In a very unlike Geoff Boycott type innings I smashed, no pulverised, the bowling of the juniors to score a quick 35 not out which left us on a total of around 120.
Up to this point both teams had played the game in a spirit that even the great W.G Grace would have approved of, but as soon as the juniors started their innings things started to go down hill rapidly.
There is only one way to describe their tactics during their innings and that is - CHEATING. I know that may sound a harsh thing to say, but lets look at the facts.
At least two of their batsmen hit our bowlers into the next field, more than once.
By some sort of mind control they made our fielders drop the ball while attempting easy catches and finally, by my reckoning, we bowled at least 5 or 6 overs more than them.
The final straw for me was when I was accused of cheating. During my only over of bowling I got a sudden attack of the hamstrings and could not continue with the over. Just because the first two balls had gone for four it was remarked that “I was putting on an act”. I can reveal now that I was only following the skippers orders who had whispered to me “go down you fool”.
I suppose I better tell you who won this match, you may have guessed, the juniors did -but revenge will be sweet!!!!
In the afternoon we played Uplyme and won! Davo scored his first ton and Dan scored his first senior 50, which must bode well for the future of the club. Between you and me, Chairman had a tear in his eye as Davo, his youngest son, got to his century.
As for me I scored a dozen or so not out, caught a catch at slip and fielded the ball twice, never mind I have got another game on Thursday.
Wednesday
Today was the day that I reinforced my reputation as a ladies man and all around good guy, by volunteering to take a few ladies into Sidmouth on a shopping trip.
What a grand day out we had, a little shopping then a trip to the tea rooms, then a little more shopping, while I held the bags for them from the previous bout of shopping.
What made the day more worthwhile was seeing the reaction from their husbands (Bomber in particular) when they were told what a good time they had had, and that in the future they expected their husband to be as attentive when they go shopping!!!
Am I wicked or what!!!
After dropping the ladies off, I had an hour watching the troupes at Tipton St John. A delightful little ground, which due to erosion from the river is getting smaller every year. I stopped long enough to witness two collapses, one from our batsmen and one from a bench that P.C Hampson was perched on. Mind you we still managed to win and Hampo did explain to the hosts that the bench had been full of woodworm.
After returning to base camp, I retired to the picnic table outside our house and with Cliff, Steve Shelley and Trev put the world to rights, with the help of a few amber nectars. This in depth chat was interrupted by the lady from next door complaining that we were making to much noise as little Johnny could not get to sleep. Well it was 6.00, mind you just after that one of the Red Arrows came screaming over head; they were displaying in Lyme. I wonder if she complained to the pilot as well.
Four of our tour party, Deb, Chairman, Bomber and Anne had booked tickets to go and eat at one of these T.V. chefs places. After hearing that the cost of the night would buy you a pair of first class batting pads I decided to join the rest of our house mates in a home made curry, what a meal!! When the foursome returned and we were told that they had sat in a barn and eat cold soup, I think you will agree with me that I had made the right choice.
During the night we were joined by another member of our tour party, who ended the night worse the wear from drink. On the way back to his house he was very wobbly and the Chairman had to hold him up more than once. I shall not embarrass the man by revealing his name, but I do hope the Presidents knees get better soon.
Thursday
Woke up to another fine day and another large breakfast, decided as I was playing this afternoon to have a quiet morning in the pool. After a vigorous game of pool ball- we must draw up some rules for next year- we left for Clyst Hydon. This was the game in which I was sure I would make a considerable playing contribution to this years tour - how wrong I was.
The day was warm and the wicket looked good, mind you so did the opposition, but the skipper did win the toss and decided to bat. As I made my way to the changing rooms to don my pads I was asked by the skipper “what are you doing? You’re in number 8”. Well to say the least I was taken aback, but being the team player I am, I did not say a word.
We made a decent start, but then started to loose wickets steadily, and as yours truly strode out to the wicket there was only two balls of the innings to go and I was at the non-strikers end. Needless to say my 0 not out, having not faced a ball, did not make much of a impact of our innings total of around 190, but did I complain, never!!!!
Unfortunately Clyst had a very good overseas player who took great delight in hitting our bowlers to all parts of the field. And the next field….. and my job was mainly in climbing over fences to retrieve the ball (Tony’s bowling was mentioned once or twice). Mind you, I did field the ball whilst it was in play, twice, but could not stop the better team winning. Never mind there is always next year.
As you will know, I am never one to complain, but to drive all that way down to Devon to face 6 balls and field the ball 4 times is a bit harsh, but as I have said before I did not complain once!!!!! (Don’t listen to what other people tell you)
After the game we had a few friendly drinks with our hosts and then back to base camp, to make the arrangements for Fridays BBQ and award presentation.
Friday
After waking up a little later than normal, due to my exhaustion from the previous days game (but have I complained?!), we were off to Tesco’s again to get the final supplies for the tour. This included plenty of beer for us chaps and a bottle of fruit based drink for the ladies. We almost stripped the shelves of BBQ food, plus two large disposable BBQs, now we were all set for the end of tour presentations.
Would you believe it as 2 o’clock approached and the BBQs were lit, the sun was out again, and the majority of tourists were merrily partaking in the drink of their choice. Not only was there a large choice of meats available, but also Capt Haddock Hampson had brought over some 30 Mackerel he and his Scurvy crew had caught the previous day. After all the food was eaten Steve Shelley got out his little fines book and gave out some large fines. I was fined twice, once for moaning - Me!! and once, for that near career ending hamstring injury during Tuesdays infamous match. In all the fines raised over £300 which went to a charity close to the Clubs heart.
We then moved on to the playing presentations, but by this point due to the warm sun and a few beers, I must admit that I cannot remember who won what. I think I won the sick note award, cheek!! Davo and John Maher also won something, but what I don’t remember or why, but I do remember Bomber winning a medal for the best father on tour (you ask him and he will explain all).
The final presentation was made to Matt Horsfield who was given a birthday cake to commemorate his 16th birthday, that he was celebrating that day.
To round off a great day we also found out that the owners would let us return to the site next year. The first time this had happened in the last 4 years. As we were playing a league match back in Clumber Park on Saturday and had an early start in front of us we all decided to have an early-ish night, but still managed to swap stories on what every one agreed to be a splendid tour.
Saturday
Another Saturday and another early alarm. We quickly packed the car and after wishing our housemates a safe journey home, we were soon speeding up the motorway. We made good time in getting home, but it was soon back to league business with a match against Lea Park, which due to my extensive practice on tour I managed to get a ton and we won the game.
I think that everyone who went on the Clumber 2004 tour of Devon/Dorset would agree it was a superb week, and was very well run, and a vote of thanks should be given to the organisers.
P.S
As I write this in early January I have just been informed by Rob that there is only 30 weeks to go before tour, and I for one cannot wait.
Matt Deaves
The Diary of a Virgin Tourist
Even before the tour officially started, I had heard so much about past trips to the lovely county of Devon – the legends of ‘horizontal’, ‘balls in different counties’, ‘playing Clyst Hydon’ and plenty of Otter Ale. What was I letting myself into, especially as this was going to be my first cricket tour ever!
Sunday 27th July
Due to family commitments I could not make it to Otter Falls – ‘Heaven in Devon’, our delightful and spacious accommodation, until late afternoon. The majority of the party had been experiencing the hospitality of Devon since early Friday morning although much rain fell on the first day or so; this did not dampen spirits, as seen by the consumption of the first barrel of beer in just over 24 hours!
A party of 38 (families, singles and a trainee priest) had settled well just North of Honiton. Sharing cottages of up to eight, the atmosphere was most conducive to having a good time, with or without cricket. Therefore it was a pleasure to arrive in sunshine and be welcomed by the speedo-loving Adonis, catching a few rays after a sea food extravaganza at lunchtime.
Within an hour, I was unpacked and sampling my first pint of Otter Ale – simply delicious, Bomber had done well. During nibbles and dips, the golf tournament was being organised by Senior Shep, who kept asking us to pick a number between 1 and 3, inevitably, we kept saying 2; anyway, we waited with keen anticipation for the following morning.
Sunday supper was typical of the culinary delights of Chairman Beard, Margaret Shelley and R.C. – ‘disgusting’! (spoken sarcastically). Beef bournignone or lamb shank were ably accompanied by more ale and a selection of wines. This led to a reasonably early night as I had golf to prepare for.
Monday 28th July
The plan was to leave for Honiton Golf Club from around 8 am – my co-habitant and tournament organiser was up by 7am with full English breakfast on the table by 7:15 am – he was nearly as keen as the players in the recent Open at Royal St. George’s. Eleven of us stood on the first tee to hear the rules of the competition – I did not want to be disqualified for rule 5.5b! Stableford Format and a mixture of handicaps and 3 or 4 ball forced the organiser and R.C. to come up with points for the first six holes then…..then…. anyway, by the end it didn’t really matter as none of us had a clue! However, we played quite well in amongst the heavy showers and personally I was happy to be leaving the club alive as the Harrison family (father and son) had hit golf balls very close to me, especially the one in the car park; amazingly I was fined at the end of the tour for not being killed!
Back to the Otter Falls for a quick change and a plan for the afternoon – the club only thought about a few hours in advance!
Onwards to Plymtree for the first match – I was not playing – but first to the 5 Bells and the famous Clyst Hydon; however, this was their first day under new management and it showed as they could only provide sandwiches and imported beers – just not good enough for CPCC. Overcast, drizzly and somewhat cold for the time of year, the match was pleasant and a number of us left after cream tea; the game was won!
Back at base the next challenge was tennis- doubles, in fact and I had the honour of partnering the Chairman himself, who had the confidence to say that he had not played for a number of years and had never won a set in his life. Playing in soggy conditions, our partnership rose to the occasion and won two consecutive sets – a great feeling for us both; not though for Rob and Steve – they wanted to play us again!
The cricketers returned late but food was all in order, thanks to the local Indian, Chinese and Fish and Chip takeaways – I certainly slept well on the second night and was looking forward to my first cricket on tour.
Tuesday 29th July
The cooked breakfast this morning was only sausages and tomatoes; our plan was a visit to Lyme Regis before facing Uplyme. The Cobb is world famous at Lyme and a number of us had a pleasant walk to the end and back; sadly, as we returned to the centre of the town, a phone-call came through to inform us that the match had been cancelled due to rain – no surprise, as half an hour later ‘cats and dogs’ were coming down in bucketful's.
To drown our sorrows, we brought plenty of fresh fish for supper and had a sandwich lunch in Ashworth, the rain coming down even harder. I would have to wait until Thursday to try and stop my sequence of ducks – no chance, some said, against the infamous Clyst Hydon, who just liked thrashing teams!
Otter Falls was a welcome relief in the afternoon – more tennis (this time losing!) and swimming with some reading and quiet time. The party needed some entertainment and the evening was to prove no disappointment – Robbie Williams at Knebworth had nothing on what was ahead!
First, though, another simply ‘disgusting’ meal of fish a la Beard/Shelley and some fine white Burgundy – for the cultured, that is. This was followed by the Tour Music quiz – compered by R.C. – in teams of 5 or 6, we listened to C.D. extracts and tried to guess either song, writer, group or composer – I was better at the latter and our team came second.
One thing led to another and Frank Sinatra joined the party, as well as many Sinatra wannabes – what singing –‘My Way’, ‘ Strangers in the Night’ and ‘New York, New York’ to name a few. Otter Ale was nearly out of its third barrel but the C.D.’s and famous tunes kept coming and coming. Abba, Queen, Culture Club and the rest had us all raising the roof and, on some occasions, dancing cheek to cheek – Trevor and ….! The News of the World or was it Sunday Sport had a photographer named Harrison on the spot and we are presently awaiting publication or blackmail! Everyone was involved and we all went to bed happy, even though lost in voice.
Wednesday 30th July
At last, some sunshine and a chance for shopping – Honiton pottery and clotted cream shortbreads! Onto a most pleasant cove town called Beer, where, I am reliably informed, had the first ever beer garden…. Education on tour is always a good thing! Sharing a beer or two in Beer was indeed unique, which was followed by a major highlight of the week – an hour’s mackerel fishing! Beautifully warm, I sat back and thought of scoring a hundred while my line and weight dangled below to attract the fish. Cliff was quicker than his Speedo’s in catching the first one, then another but, by the end, my style had captured two beauties ….. they were this big (pictures later!) and we were set for another fish supper!
Tipton St. John was welcoming, especially with their delicious tea and another game was won – would the 100% record be maintained at Clyst Hydon – not if the non-players could have their way!
Returning to base, we succumbed under a ‘disgusting’ fish pie, ‘awful’ cheese and tomato pasta and some simply ‘tripe’ bread and butter puddings – having now experienced three such meals, it has now dawned on me that the word ‘cricket’ is a cover for ‘food and drink’ and next year, I will be more prepared! No such entertainment to follow as the previous evening and an early bed, especially for the cricketers; some though were lucky enough to hear Cliff read some Chinese philosophy, as well as his poem about the bus to Piccadilly – a real treat!
Thursday 31st July
Tradition states that the Arnold Palmer golf Challenge is a must and the majority of us travelled to Exmouth for a much more testing Golf Experience. All sorts of tricks were on show, including a player who, after a couple of holes, went to the kiosk and changed his ball – shame on the scorer! Anyway, he didn’t win, nor rang the bell and R.C. was champion – the Chairman was gutted!
The pub lunch of the week was today – back in Plymtree at the Blacksmith’s Arms (we had rung ahead) nearly all the party was up for a delight. We were not disappointed and the quantities were exceptional, especially the FB (farmer’s breakfast, not fat b’td) and our energies were high for the challenge ahead.
A certain expectation came over the pleasant, if somewhat overcast conditions – two ducks were placed on a remote controlled car and all sorts of stories were being recalled on whether Tony’s balls were in one field or another, as well as a trip to pay homage to Bomber’s Box, which was nearly dug up by a close working JCB.
The team was ready and we batted first. Matt scored a positive 50 and Dave Benson’s son and heir (heir to what?) Chris, some runs too, before allowing me to enter at Number 3! The ducks were warming up, as also for Paul’s innings – he was on a pair – but we disappointed the crowd with a four and a single respectively. The team total of just under 200 was respectable and the drunken supporters were quietening down a bit!
Their ‘overseas’ player, after bowling 19 overs, came in at Number 3 and whatever the bowling, found a number of fields to place the cricket ball; it looked as if our faithful supporters were going to get their fun after all. However, our spirit and determination was to prove them wrong and with some inspired bowling, catching and captaincy from Gareth (top scored with 60) and, our guest player, Tony (not our Tony!), we held them back and bowled them all out for a famous victory – the 100% tour record was maintained and we were ready for many final beers – all on the proud and encouraging supporters!
The ‘Tickled Trout’ bistro was a super setting for the presentation supper and a selection of Otter Bright and Dark beers. All of us gathered for Trevor’s fine ceremony, through which £55 was raised for a local animal welfare charity – everyone suffered at the hand of Mr. Pressley – highlights being ‘showing too much breast’ – some say not enough! This of course refers to Cliff in the swimming pool! Various serious awards went to Gaz (batting), Rachel (bowling) and Senior Shep (fielding), as well as not so serious accolades to funny man on tour (Margaret) and also snorer and wind-breaker of the tour – next year, I knew which ones I’ll be aiming for!
Quite rightly, a number of thanks were passed on to Debbie for her excellent and calm organisation of the tour, as well as to Bomber for his valid contribution – however, that does not include drinking most of the beer. After a few more beers, the party retired to pack and even some started on their journeys home up North.
Friday 1st August
Sadly, the tour has come to a close and, with some sore heads, families et al departed for other not so exciting parts of their lives. I left around 8:00 am after a most memorable and enjoyable first CPCC tour. The atmosphere and company was second to none and the inclusion of all ages and abilities says much for the friendliness of this wonderful cricket club.
Already, fixtures are in place for 2004 and I expect places for the tour are filling fast – I certainly will be aiming to make it a second tour with family too. Thanks to all concerned with such a successful trip and may the memories live on!
The Virgin Tourist - Adrian Morris
Tour Match Reports
Oh my did it rain!!!!, it rained!!!! and it rained!!!!!, BUT we played and finished three matches and we won them all!!!! 100% record the first in four years!!! well three out of four one was rained off but we would have won it I'm sure.
Plymtree C.C. V Clumber Park C.C.
This was our first visit to the pleasant Plymtree Cricket Club, however it was a damp overcast day, which took the edge of this idyllic small ground. The hosts were most welcoming and insistent that the game must be played what; ever the weather on what was a very soggy wicket.
Plymtree batted first and put a challenging total, remarkably all 11 Clumber players bowled in what were difficult conditions made worst by the fact that we had to keep retrieving the ball from waterlogged fields around the boundary, no Tony was not bowling.
Clumber in reply kept the total ticking over but lost wickets at regular intervals, but with Rachel Bellamy holding things together Clumber came out winners in the last over for the fall of 10 wickets after numerous breaks for rain. It was a most enjoyable game and we are looking forward to returning in 2004.
Captain - Matt (A Pint of Girly Pop) Deaves
Uplyme & Lyme Regis C.C V Clumber Park C.C.
Bugger rained off, the only game I was going to play and it was rained off, Bugger!!!
Captain - Steve (Margaret) Shelley
Tipton St John C.C. V Clumber Park C.C.
A wet day yielded a wet ground but thanks to the hard work of our generous hosts the game went ahead.
Clumber won the toss and batted. Good contributions from Trevor Pressley, Rob Hampstead, and yours truly gave Clumber a competitive total in excess of 150.
In response the hosts made slow progress and eventually fell well short. This gave an opportunity for all of the Clumber players to have a bowl, with noticeable performances from the Shephards and Mick Hampson.
The tea was again “amazing” and once we saw the pathetic results of the fishing party, we all made sure to eat well at the ground.
This left Clumber, two wins from two with one rained off putting much pressure on the captain of the final game.
Captain - Robin (RC) Wilde.
Clyst Hydon C.C. V Clumber Park C.C.
Traditionally the final game of the season, and we were looking for that 100% record, the crowd (Steve, Bomber, Chair and RC) were willing the team to victory.
Clumber batted first and scored over 200 with notable contributions from Matt, and top scorer yours truly. Clumber bowled well with Clyst Hydon falling short of the total, we did it 100% the first time for 3 tears!
Captain - Gareth (Son of Chair) Beard.